A Disappearing Act
I’ve kind of disappeared from the blog world, which is the last thing I want to do.
I’ve been conflicted. And confused. And really struggling.
Like I’ve mentioned in an earlier post, I’ve gained some weight (I think about 15 pounds - maybe one or 2 less) and it sucks. I’ve been monitoring it, but not really doing much about getting it back down. I just can’t seem to bring myself to care.
The ups and downs from the medication are still very apparent and very difficult to deal with. My thoughts started to get bullying and it created physical pain in my body. I found myself getting sick after meals to the point where I needed to make myself purge after eating.
This only happened a few times, but when I found myself locked in a stall at work because I “needed” to get the food out of my body fast, well, that was a big moment. I’ve told who I need to tell and I haven’t done that since. Hopefully I can continue to avoid that.
I’ve been eating mostly junk. Or not at all. I just care and don’t care at the same time and I can’t seem to snap myself out of this spiral. All I know is I refuse to gain anymore weight. I will not go back into the 300s. Ever.
I’ve gone to the gym a couple times with a friend from work. It’s good because I have someone to talk to and laugh with and the time goes by much quicker. He wants to work out a lot harder (and longer) than I’m able to, but I think he understands that I need to take care of my illness too.
I’m supposed to be going on a cruise with one of my best friends soon. We’re taking a girls trip. Luckily, she’s been working on her weight as well and we’ve already talked about how we have to exercise. I’m happy to go with someone who knows about my MS and is part of my support system.
Other than that, good things are happening in my life. I just leased my first car (at least the first car that I’ve ever paid for), I’m getting a raise at work starting this week, and I will officially have company health insurance through my job! I’m going to go to see a counselor immediately.
I need help. I need to regroup and re-envision what I want. Everything just seems so unclear right now.
Most importantly I’m staying positive. Thanks to the readers who have stayed with me, I’m not giving up the war anytime soon!
My Biggest Downfall So Far
So, I haven’t been focusing on weight loss for awhile, only my MS. I’ve been doing the Swank diet and my body simply doesn’t agree with it.
I’ve gained a lot of weight. More than I want to admit (even here) and, since it’s Wednesday, I don’t even have to do a weekly weigh in until tomorrow.
Yes, my MS has been doing well. For the most part, I feel good so I’m going to continue to not eat red meat. Other than that, I’m moving back to the South Beach Diet (Phase 1).
It was a good experiment and depending on how fatigued I get, I may add in a small amount of carbs for breakfast or lunch occasionally. That’s up for discussion and right now, while I get down some of this bloat, I’m going straight phase 1.
I’ve been unhappy recently. It’s weird because it’s an unhappy that I understand. It’s a side effect that comes and goes from my medication and it’s a very specific feeling. Ive noticed myself over eating or eating when I’m not hungry and it stops today. I already have a meal plan all set up and all the food for it in my house. I cannot fail if I just go with the plan.
This is the biggest set back I’ve had but I still refuse to give up.
Why Giving Up Seems Easier
I like to consider myself pretty tough.
Sure, if you yell at me or if I get really stressed, I tend to crumble emotionally. I’m afraid of everything and if someone tried to attack me in the street then I’d hand over my possessions without a second thought.
Also, it’s not our physical body that makes someone tough. I’m pretty strong, but I’m not splitting bricks with my bare hands (at least not right now, of course).
What makes someone tough is the way they absorb obstacles in life and how they deal with them.
I am tough because I’ve been dealt a crappy hand when it comes to my health and I’ve chosen to remain positive. I recognize that my weight is an obvious ticking time bomb and my MS is the cherry on top. Regardless, this doesn’t have to be my reality and I’m not giving up until I get myself to a healthier version of myself.
I struggle with keeping on track because I allow the little things in life to get too overwhelming for me. I forget how far I’ve come and it seems easier to give up because theres no way I’ll ever get back to where I started, right?
Wrong. It’s so wrong. I know it, you know it, and every other person that’s tried to lose weight and failed knows it. I don’t care how much weight I lose, there will always be a chance that I could gain it all back (and more) if I let things get out of hand.
And that’s where the toughness comes in. I admit that I get off track, but in this whole journey, I’ve never let myself get too far from the road. I started exercising again last week and it sucked. The soreness in my body hurt worse than it ever had before and anyone who says they love to sweat is a liar as far as I’m concerned.
But then on the other hand, I know it’s what’s best. Last week I got in 2 days with my trainer and no cardio. I also didn’t follow my diet (beyond giving up red meat, that’s not debatable). This week I’m pushing for two days with my trainer and one day of cardio (for 30 minutes).
I also made a shopping list to get tomorrow. It’s not perfect because I’m still testing different foods, but it’ll be a lot better than I’ve been eating. It’s time to change things around for good. I’m tired of waiting for things to happen. I’m ready.
Weekly Weigh In (02/28/13)
Thursday, February 28, 2013: 282.2
Pounds Lost this week: 0
Total pounds lost: 75.2
Ok, so I’m the same weight I was from my last weigh in…I guess I can’t be too upset about that! I’m going to see my trainer today and I’m cutting fruit back out.
I guess I’m just going to have to keep trying all sorts of different things until it all just makes sense. Hopefully, it will.
Goal for this week: 2.2 lbs to be 280.
Me and My Neurologist: Chewing the Fat
I saw the neurologist yesterday. It was a fairly good appointment…he said I was “holding my own” after he did my physical exam although he did note that there was a weakness on the right side of my body that wasn’t there before. He didn’t seem too worried about it and I haven’t noticed it on my own.
We talked for a good while about my weight. Obviously, he wants me to lose a lot of it. He asked me to stop eating fruit (so I guess I’m back to no fruit) and to get back to exercising. He said that his patients that exercise do better than his patients that don’t…even if they’re fatigued (he actually said that exercising often will help fatigue). Well, that’s the bottom line then. No if’s and’s or but’s about it….my weight is my main concern right now.
I want to be healthy. I want my MS to come to a halt and to simply feel good. I have another MRI coming up and between a new symptom (that my doctor also wasn’t concerned about) and my apparent weak right side, I don’t know what to expect. Whenever I get my MRI, it drives me insane. Sometimes I just don’t want to know.
I made an appointment for tomorrow to meet with my trainer and I’m going to try to work with her once a week for the next couple of weeks and to go to the gym for cardio about 3 times a week. If I can start there, I’d be really happy.
I have a gym at my apartment but it seems old and…well, not the most hygienic. I’m thinking of getting a membership at a Planet Fitness gym that opened around the corner. All I know is it’s definitely too hot to work out outside, I’m too self conscious to swim in a bathing suit right now, but I know I need to start exercising and I need to start right now. Tired or not, there is no better feeling than feeling strong. Get ready for a weekly weigh in tomorrow!
I’m spending my spare time coming up with basic meal plans for the Swank Diet…the more I think about it, the simpler I think it’s going to be. I’m also thinking of changing my exercise routine from working out hard 3-4 days a week to walking for 10-15 minutes everyday and then working with my trainer once a week (and then building all of that up with time). I can’t expect to start strong every time.
Happy new year!!! I’m not dieting. I’m still waiting for my MS diet book so I’m enjoying my last few days of care free non diet enjoyment.
I’m sure I’ve gained a few pounds but I don’t really mind right now. Things are about to get strict.
Either way, I think I looked damn good on New Years Eve!
I think I’ve burned out the South Beach Diet.
I really wanted that to be my diet. To be the path that I’d follow until I hit my ideal weight (whatever that means) and then onto the maintenance phase…
but, and if anyone should know this - its me, life doesn’t always go as planned.
So, I’m back at bottom. I haven’t been dieting for about a week and I couldn’t give a shit. I’m so tired and annoyed and frustrated. I’m just done.
I’d say it’s perfect time for a new year and a new start…how convenient!
I ordered the Swank Diet book today and, even though I’m not thoroughly convinced, I think it’s worth a shot.
I need my brain and my spinal chord to be in tip top condition if I plan on living my best life, so, I’m throwing down the book (the South Beach Diet one, that is) and picking up another. I have concern after concern about this diet but I’m not going to think about that now. When the Swank Diet book arrives, hopefully I’ll have some of the answers.
Weekly Weigh In (for Thursday December 13th 2012)
Thursday, December 06, 2012: 285.6
Pounds Lost this week: 0; Pounds Gained this week: 1
Total pounds lost: 71.8
Really hard week. I haven’t exercised the entire week. I tried my best to be perfect on my diet, but allergies, exhaustion, and other things got in the way.
No excuses, that’s my pound and I’ll own it. For now.