I’m struggling. In my mental state, my emotional state, and my physical state. I’m getting tired and stiff and I feel like my thoughts are bullying me.
I’m trying to stay positive. To remember that I do have strength in me.
I’ve never felt so alone while being surrounded by people. I just need to keep smiling and to remember not to stress. I can get through anything. I can. I will.
22 May 2013 @ 12:49PM /
This always starts when I kick off my diet again.
I feel like I should walk around with a pillow in my purse.
This needs to be incentive to stick with it and keep going.
I’m too tired to keep writing…zzZZzzZz
11 May 2013 @ 07:55PM /
Weekly Weigh In
Thursday, May 9th, 2013: 297.4
Pounds lost: 60
I’m ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I’ve gained 15 pounds. Between switching diets and trying to manage my emotional struggles, the weight came on pretty easily.
I’m admitting it here and I’m ready to get back on track. This is what this blog is all about…talking about the journey even when it just plain sucks.
09 May 2013 @ 02:13PM /
The Corporate Experience
I’ve been working for a big corporation for the last couple of months and I’ve really enjoyed it. I’m just waiting for my insurance to kick in (one more month!) before I start going back to doctors and to start therapy.
Yesterday, my manager checked in with me because I had been late this weekend and she offered me some golden information…
We have an employee assistance program! Basically, I get 5 free sessions with no co pay to see a therapist!
Excuse me, what? I can start seeing someone NOW? This is pretty huge for me as I, like I mentioned in my last post, haven’t been as mentally stable as I’d like.
I’m teetering between referrals and who I should see but I really think I’m just wasting time. I should just make an appointment and go.
I’m very excited. And nervous. Now if only I could get over my own stupid pride and make an appointment and actually admit to someone that I need help then this would all be so much easier!
07 May 2013 @ 11:55AM /
How do you make your avocado sandwich?:)
I don’t know what you’re referring to, but you can pretty much put avocado in anything and it’ll be better!
07 May 2013 @ 11:48AM /
Loving every curve I have! Just because I want to be thinner doesn’t mean I need to hate myself now!!
03 May 2013 @ 06:05PM /
The Things You Don’t Want to Say Out Loud
I’m having an embarrassing problem that I don’t want to talk about. It’s been going on for a while, on and off, and I’ve been hiding it mostly. Now, since I haven’t posted much (text wise) or any weekly weigh ins, I know I need to say it on here. I love this blog and I appreciate the amazing amount of support I get from this platform, so (deep breath) here we go.
I take a lot of medication for my MS. I take a B12 injection once a month, a Rebif injection 3 times a week, 600 mg of Carbamazapine (an anti seizure medication) every day, a valium every day, and muscle relaxers as needed.
That’s only for my MS and I really should add vitamin D to that list as well.
Mixing that cocktail of prescriptions can take a toll on anyone and it’s been catching up with me for awhile.
About a year ago, I started having thoughts. Thoughts of horrific nightmares that I couldn’t shake. Thoughts of car accidents with brutally morbid outcomes, of train accidents, of falling down long flights of stairs….and the thoughts were generally about those things happening to others.
I’ve been known to have a pretty wild imagination (said the writer) and didn’t pay much mind to it, although with time, the thoughts evolved. I started imagining myself in those situations. My positive and sunny self was being overtaken by darker thoughts than I knew how to handle. So, I kept my mouth shut and tried to work on my “depression” by myself.
It wasn’t until I was driving home from a perfectly fine day that I started thinking about how I wanted to go home and actually feel the pain I’d been thinking about. I thought about cutting myself, anywhere. Thats when I knew it was time to tell someone. I told my parents first, then both of my neurologists, my brother, and one of my closest friends. I didn’t feel depressed, not at all, but something was wrong with my brain.
I was told to seek counseling but I couldn’t find a doctor I liked and as time went by, the negative thoughts dissapated and so did my hunt for a therapist.
I’ve been happier than I’ve been in a long time the last few months. I’m not going to tell you that things have been perfect and, obviously, ending my relationship of 6.5 years hasn’t been the easiest, but I feel so in tune with myself and my goals…I’ve felt grounded and happy. That is, until I started thinking about how I’m actually kind of tired. Then I started feeling really tired. Then I started to think how easy it would be to end this tired feeling…I could just end my life. The thought was refreshing. I felt excited at the idea that there was a way out…even if I don’t want to do it right now.
I figured I shouldn’t worry because I don’t want to kill myself. I love life and I’m enjoying every moment.
It wasn’t until I found myself scratching my leg and heard a thought (that was more foreign than anything I’ve ever thought before) that was hoping I could scratch until I started to bleed. I kid you not, this was odd at first, but it didn’t feel wrong. I decided I would keep this a secret and it became my little secret. I was excited, thrilled, high off the idea that I had a secret that was mine and I didn’t have to share it with anyone. But of course, my sane side reminded me that this is a sign that I can’t have this secret.
I told my friend first who urged me to tell my parents. I told them, and for the first time, I realized how messed up this was because I’d rather have these thoughts than go off my medication. I refuse to go back to the unbearable pain I experienced last year. I told my parents everything and I cried. I don’t feel depressed at all, it’s just twisted moments.
I made a deal with my parents. I have 2 months to find a counselor. In the meantime I have to call them in the morning, during all of my breaks from work, and then on my way home.
It’s frustrating because everyone tells me how positive I am and they wish they could be like me but they don’t realize that a week ago I was daydreaming about getting in a car accident that left me mangled and lifeless.
THIS IS REAL. THIS IS CHEMICALLY PRESCRIBED MEDICATION. THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
I’ve just been trying to maintain my weight right now while I stay mentally stable. I don’t want to spiral down. Life has been so good to me. I feel so blessed to be in the position that I’m currently in. I just want to be honest, and as much as I want to delete this post right now, I want it to be documented somewhere for others to see that you can be happy and have a chemical take over. It doesn’t have to be all the time, the thoughts are generally fleeting and might take up 5 minutes of my time on the rare occasion that they do happen.
I love myself, and I love my life, but I refuse, with every fiber of my being, to stop my medication. That’s my reality right now, and I imagine that I’m not alone in feeling this way..I’m just proud of myself for knowing when to stand up and admit that this isn’t right and I need help. I hope others have strong support systems that they feel they can admit this as well.
29 Apr 2013 @ 01:55PM /
Oh I’m sorry, is that a SIZE 16?! Down from a 22/24 and feeling good!
25 Apr 2013 @ 10:56PM /
Hi Carolyn! How have you been? It's been such a long time since we last talked and I just wanted to give you some random encouragement!(Who wouldn't want one?) I really admire your diligence and your hard work is paying off! Look how amazing you look! I just looked at your "Who is Carolyn" page and I have got to say that I think you are so beautiful and I'm so glad to know someone who is so strong both physically and mentally:)Thanks for being you and have a great day!:)
Wow! Thanks so much! This couldn’t have come at a better time! I’m working hard to take off some weight that I gained while trying a different diet. It seems fruit still doesn’t agree with me!
24 Apr 2013 @ 11:39AM /